I spend a lot of time watching, analyzing, over-analyzing, and experimenting. Patterned responses, deliberate behavior and attitude changes, all in the interest of gauging individuals and fine-tuning my reactions to people as a whole. All of this takes up space in here. Some people take up more space than others. The analyses run deeper and longer than for other. My friends are a key part of that and they have, over the years, provided me with invaluable information and shaped me as a person.
The downside, however, is when these analyses don't reach an end point. When questions are left unanswered. Things start to go south in the worst kind of way, like the supposed "five stages of grief". This complex series of emotions began some time ago with the truth and through a series of mistakes and miscommunications ended recently with acceptance and a realization.
I accept that I have a lot that need to work on. A lot that don't understand about people because I have spent so much time generally avoiding them (mostly because I find people frustrating and unpredictable). More importantly, I realized that the head-space that I dedicate to individuals in not a shared. It is my own alone. I'd like to fix that sometime. I'd like to know that someone thinks about me as much as I think about them. It's going to take some time, patience, and finesse, but I'll get there eventually. I think I finally see something in people that I like and I like to really understand what that is, even if I have to do it alone.
To those of you paying any sort of attention:
Sorry for the mess. I'll see you around.
If you ever get bored, there is a space inside my head that I am happy to share with you.
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